YOU’RE OUTA HERE
(based on Fats
Waller's recording of "The Minor Drag")
Music, Fats
Waller/Lyrics,
You’re more than a minor drag……
Now the clock on the wall says
Give a minute or two
When the little and the big hand
meet at 12
I want to see the last of you
I know I said I loved you, but
tonight, my honey dear
Three other words are on my mind:
You’re outa here
Take your books and your bike and
your Barcalounger
Leave the table and chairs
Keep your big mouth shut or I’ll
tell you what
You’re gonna feel your butt bounce
down the stairs
No time for explanations or one
more German beer
Put down the chips and read my
lips:
You’re outa here
Go, damn you, go
None of your crying
No reminders of the tender kiss
You won’t be supplying
Book the Plaza, sleep in the park,
or
Ring up that blonde cashier
Stay wherever you want to
You’re outa here
You never will back down
Your favorite pastime is to nag me
You bully and you bluster
Like some would-be Jimmy Cagney
My sweaters are too small
My 501s are far too baggy
It bugs me, it bugs me
I’ve got to set you free
Tick-tock, tick-tock
That’s yours, that’s mine
Keep an eye on the clock
Leave this, take that,
Wait, that was mine – oh well it’s
fine
Don’t stop, don’t stop
Oo-wee, you look ready to me, so
Call a cab, that’s that
Close the door, don’t step on the
cat
It’s not the way you got next to me
Just to borrow my car
The little things you do and say
Betray the guy you are
You called my doorman “Pancho”
And my Uncle Bob “a queer”
I sure don’t dig where you’re
comin’ from
And now you’re outa here
I was alone in bed because you said
You were hangin’ with the guys
Rolled over to hug your pillow
And much to my surprise
Underneath that pillow
Was a polka-dot brassiere
I never cared for polka-dots
Mm, you’re outa here
Tock-tick, tock-tick
That’s yours, that’s mine
Get a move on it, Slick
Take this, and that
Wait, that one’s mine, oh hell it’s
fine
Make like a tree and leave
Oo-woo, won’t do to
Sit there like a bump on a log
Hit the road
Steer clear of the dog
Sayonara, see you around
One day I’ll catch you on the
rebound
Take a 20 if you wish
But don’t yell, you’ll frighten the
fish
Hop to, hop to, you got
10 seconds to grab a clue
I know I swore that I loved you
But tonight I’m even more sincere
When I say so long, you’re outa
here
TOO GOOD LOOKIN'
(based on Fats Waller's recording
of "Blue Black Bottom")
Music, Fats Waller/Lyrics,
You got a face that beckons
commuters on every subway
A pair of eyes that Leo da Vinci
would love to draw
The kind of lips that hardly anyone
was actually born with
The kind of body that doesn’t have
a single flaw
Now that you've risen to glory on
your camera-friendly cheekbones
You don't get into make-up for less
than 20 G's , maybe 30
You're quite impossible to flatter
That's right, it really doesn't
matter
You smile and half the world is on
its knees
Now why is that?
‘Cause you’re a little too
good-lookin'
A little too good-lookin'
When they handed out the genes you
shouted "Bingo"
Because your parts all work
together
They all work together
With the synergy of John, Paul,
George and Ringo
You can't relate
You make little jokes
About the weight
Of us normal folks
You might be slightly out of touch
it's true
Who wouldn't be if they were you
You could be just a little too
good-lookin'
On TV you proselytize
'Bout your own brand of exercise
How I crave the dynamism
Of your fast metabolism
You're here, you're there, you're
everywhere
You're like a constant fever dream
My friend saw you uptown
Swore up and down
You were flawless as you seem
In that magazine
You came off regal as a queen
Oh sure some pundits found it crude
You were totally, totally, totally
nude
As if they could turn away
From your nuclear appeal!
Your consummate loveliness is
nothing less
Than the American ideal
You were a teenage goddess when you
first hit
You and your mama got off the bus
from Crested Butte
Before you had the opportunity to
write a single postcard
You caught the notice of an Oscar
de la Renta suit
Before you knew it, you were
parading down the catwalk
Done up in almost nothing but a
look of pure disdain
You know the men’ll want to meet
you
Although they’re only gonna to
treat you
As if you simply couldn’t have a
brain
'Cause you're a little too
good-lookin'
A little too good-lookin'
With a closet twice the size of
Because you cultivate your beauty
It's a sacred duty
Late at night you smear your bod
with avocado
Front cover news, you're stayin'
mighty hot
High-level schmooze, parlayin' what
you got
Into what you choose
There’s gonna be a day
It all slip-slides away
But last year God knows how much
you took in
Just because you're so good lookin'
Guess you can't be too good
If they asked you
You could write a book
A book about how good you look
(based on Fats
Waller's recording of "
Music, Fats
Waller/Lyrics,
The shore was right on the brink of night
The pier was decked in electric light
We laughed and chattered
Our faces bright from the heat
We pulled our shoes off, shook out the sand
We headed east and you grabbed my hand
My mood was reckless, your smile was sweet
As we slowly ambled up to
Set free, school was done and gone
And we counted on
The time till September
To hold us forever
We planned our moves, pictured how we’d dress
To crash the party they called Success
A fragile vision still incomplete
As you wrapped me in your arms on
The Santa Anas were gusting
The long tall trees
Were listing at a graceful 45 degrees
A local band began to shine
On songs from circa 1969
The amber sun had tumbled
To meet the sea
Spilled over the horizon
Like a cup of tea
We couldn’t find one reason why
Our future wasn’t golden as the sky
You murmured words no one else could hear
Tucked a hibiscus behind my ear
Bring on tomorrow, we had it beat
By the promise that we made on
From heart to heart we felt our lives begin
As every dream we ever knew, came rushing in
Whatever happened would happen soon
Our future full of mystery as the moon
GAL ON THE SIDE
Part II:
SHE'S GETTIN' SOME
(based on Fats Waller's recording
of "Gladyse")
Music, Fats Waller/Lyrics,
The girl put down her
little suitcase for a moment and checked her watch. She'd been waiting by the
garden gate for some time…waiting for her lover to come and fetch her for their
ride into the proverbial sunset. But he said he had one thing to do first: say goodbye and good luck to the Mrs. - a
woman the girl waiting by the garden gate had never met. She had been described as his female
counterpart in what – in years gone by - had been a passion play, but now had
devolved into, sadly, no more than a brother and sister act.
Well, the birds
twittering in the nearby honeysuckle vines found this all somewhat
questionable; and they mocked the girl (although they were not mockingbirds)
with a little ditty, a taunting little ditty that went like this:
He's been seeing you on the side
And the passion won’t be denied
All I'm saying is, girl, now don't
you be dumb
You know she's gettin' some
At their cabin in
After dinner or PTA
One martini, that boy is bound to
succumb
She's gettin' some
Though he tells you he's gonna
split
Something in you won't swallow it
Still you hesitate to admit
They're doin’ the horizontal tango
Is he savin' it up for you
I'll eat my hat it it's really true
Sorry honey, but I just don't trust
the bum
She's gettin' some
She’s in the game
She’s got the name
The love you want from your sweet
pea
Is still community property
On their sabbatical to Paree
Or in the back of their SUV
While you're waitin’ for him to
toss you a crumb
She's gettin' some
You haven't got a face to sneeze at
Or a kiss to disregard
But maybe all it takes to please
that man
Is right smack in his own back yard
While you're trimmin’ your
hollyhocks
Watchin' "Oprah" or
darnin' socks
Thinkin' 'bout the dime novel life
has become
She's gettin' some
Silly girlie
What are you gonna do when he
What are you gonna do when he
What are you gonna do when he lies
to you
What are you gonna do when he
What are you gonna do when he
What are you gonna do when he lies
Men are fools
And passion cools
Oh what are you gonna do when it
What are you gonna do when it
What are you gonna do when it dies…
Though you figure you've got it
planned
Got the situation well in hand
Deep inside, you do understand
That stealing the candy is a no-no
At the charity masquerade
You saw him nibble her shoulder
blade
Tell me stranger, what planet have
you come from
She's gettin' some
Fly, fly high and away
You'll spy a true love some day
Why keep moonin' while they're
spoonin'
No need to wonder
If he's under
Someone else's dainty thumb
Though it's upsetting
Smart money's betting
That girl is getting some
IN LIVING BLACK AND
WHITE
(based on Fats
Waller's recording of "Numb Fumblin'")
Music, Fats
Waller/Lyrics,
He was a rascal to remember
And he's captured here in living black and white
A cutie on his left
An empty brandy bottle to his right
At the edge of the frame
You can see the Steinway Grand
He would man through the night
He played the organ with a silent movie
Flickering in living black and white
He might start swingin' into "Squeeze Me"
Swingin' into "Squeeze Me"
Honey why not keep it light
He made a name out of clowning around
But ultimately the smart set knew
He could play, he could write
You'd hear an echo of James P.
A giant out of
It was a fresh young century
Nobody knew from boogie-woogie
With
Piano men were boldly moving on
Throw on that piano roll
We'll visit the days of cakewalks
When tongues were briskly wagging 'bout how
Ragtime would surely cause us all to burn
Rhythm had taken quite a turn
In every parlor
People were feeling the heat
Of a syncopated beat
The teens and '20s, the war, the crash
Willie the Lion would make a splash
Holding court at a club on
It was magic, magic
Music too full of joy to be denied
Boys and girls, they called it stride
God bless the granddads of it all
A noble gallery in living black and white
With every note they played
Your heart was happy and your world was bright
How I'd love to go back
Love to journey back
And hear the magic, magic
Rolling off the keys
In living black and white
ALLIGATOR
(based on Fats
Waller's recording of "Valentine Stomp")
Music, Fats
Waller/Lyrics,
Hey did you see the alligator hanging around
Hey did you see the alligator hanging around
'Cause I could feel him in the air
He could be almost anywhere
And he's a lethal weapon when he's hungry
I thought I heard the alligator shaking the ground
I thought I heard the alligator shaking the ground
He might be in the pepper tree
Or maybe right in back of me
I'll thank you not to make a single peep
Talkin' 'bout that alligator
He's the ruthless perpetrator
Of a thousand heinous crimes
I'm telling you,
it's deep
Don't you know that scaly green
Annihilator
Would eat the world up if he could
And at the end he would
Happily go back to sleep
The whole gang was having a shindig
When out of the blue, guess who crawls in
That reptile - wearing a big smile
First he inhales the giant punch bowl
Good thing he can't hold his liquor
Once again, a narrow escape
Our nerves are not in good shape
No use in laying out cold cuts at night
It's a terrible, terrible state of affairs
Messin' up our groove
Looks like that gator's here to stay
And we can't afford to move
"Eek there he is" cried the little mouse
"And there's lightning in his eyes"
He's got the strength, he's got the size
What's more, he's got the element of surprise
"Yikes there he goes," yelled the water snake
"Honey, get inside!
I heard a sound, I turned around
And I saw him open wide"
If he can't catch you
Somehow he makes do
Ask my neighbor Dee Dee
How he ate the car when she was out diggin' a movie
As for us we're sick
Of this horror flick
I should let him have it when
He drools on me again
There's
Power in that big jaw
Death in every sharp claw
When you hear those teeth snap
Think you're gonna feel your heart start playin' "La
Bamba"
If you see his tail whip
Shake a leg and don't trip
Hurry, run like hell
When he rings that dinner bell
Hey did you see the alligator hanging around
Hey did you see the alligator hanging around
'Cause I can feel him in the air
He could be almost anywhere
And he's a lethal weapon when he's hungry
I thought I heard the alligator shaking the ground
I thought I heard the alligator shaking the ground
When he hasn't had his food
He gets into in a cranky mood
You know he's got a really filthy mouth
Talkin' 'bout that alligator
He's the ruthless perpetrator
Of a thousand ugly crimes
I'm telling you, it's deep
Don't you know that scaly green
Annihilator
Is definitely after us
We better grab a bus
Don't even stop to say
"Later, 'gator"
TIMELESS RAG
(based on Fats
Waller's recording of "Viper's Drag")
Music, Fats
Waller/Lyrics,
She walked in wearing a timeless rag
The band was playing the Viper's Drag
I looked at her and she looked through me
Lost in her own unreality
Although she slowly reconnected
Everyone at the bar suspected
Her backlit golden eyes reflected
The sight of endless night
Lately by ten she'd be in the bag, in the bag
Shaking her hips to the Viper's Drag
She tore the hem of her timeless rag
The band was wailing - the Viper's Drag
Blew through the atmosphere
She was gone, that was clear
She looked a lot like she did in school
I said so, she said "Now don't be cruel…don’t be
cruel"
The place was jammed, the crowd unruly
Somebody swore to love her truly
She tried to make like she was duly impressed
She did her best
Those eyes grew dark as the
As she waved bye-bye
GAL ON THE SIDE
Part I: THE GARDEN
GATE
Based on Fats
Waller's "African Ripples"
How do you do you do a complete 360
When what you've got
Is really not a happy surprise
What're you gonna do when he
What're you gonna do when he
What're you gonna do when he lies
He made the promise I had
Waited for so terribly long
And whispered in my ear
"Sunday morning, it's a date
Meet me by the garden gate"
Now with it getting on to
I'm wondering what could be wrong
So tired of standing here
Worried that he'd be this late
Getting to the garden gate
Silly starling don't you dare
Say my darling doesn't care
Honeysuckle in the air
Isn't sweet as his kiss was
Will we soon kiss again or
Will I still be languishing here
Beside the garden gate
Dreaming of his tender words
Listening to these noisy birds
Sometimes the love you prize
Is only fools' gold
But still you keep on trying
To make it worth the price your heart has to pay
At the end of the day
Sometimes you go to sleep
Lonely and cold
Wake up in half an hour crying
Filled with a bitterness you know isn't right
At the end of the night
Little sparrow in the sun
Don't you dare go making fun
He said I'm his only one
Said today he would tell her
Twenty minutes more
That's all I'll wait
Here by the garden gate
Roses and columbine
Dahlias and passion vine
Where is that man of mine
How do you do you do a quick turnaround
When you can feel a pretty fantasy run aground
What're you gonna do when it
What're you gonna do when it
What're you gonna do when it dies
How do you do you make him know how it feels
To love a person who is letting you cool your heels
Fighting back your tears in the twilight
So tired of waiting
So tired of waiting
So tired of waiting by the garden
gate
(based on Fats
Waller's recording of "Clothes Line Ballet")
Music, Fats
Waller/Lyrics,
Climbing the five long flights
Has grown to be a
Why did you hightail it out of town?
Bitter December nights
Are definitely a
Lights and music only drag me down
The last leaf drops from a maple tree
The saxophone in apartment three
Describes the word "lonely"
Your pocket change, your
Scribbled reminder
Tug at my heart again
A little unkinder
It wore your smile, back then
Back then when
We strolled the sidewalks
We sailed the
An unashamed cliché
More than the splendor of the skyline
You took my breath away
Sleeping without you
Dreaming about you
Wondering if you ever loved me
Is getting to be
A
Deeply blue
From lack of you
I’m turning into
A